I wrote this last night but wasn't sure I wanted to post it.......here it is.I apologize now for this post. It’s not about the baby...not directly anyway. It's 1:15 in the morning here in the great state of
For those of you who don't know, I was diagnosed with Gastric Cancer. It seemed as nonchalant a conversation as one could ever have. I sat with Preggers in the Oncologists office, waiting for the news I knew was coming. I was hoping deep inside somewhere that it was a mistake. Somebody in the pathology lab was a little tired after lunch and they saw something that wasn't there. You have Cancer. No one ever expects to hear those words. I certainly didn't. I laugh alot about it. I don't know what else to do. I must seem like a fucking lunatic laughing out loud as if I've lost my mind. I have I don't know where it went but its hiding from this reality that is going to hit me like a ton of bricks. I try to remain positive. I try not to think about it. Try really is the operative word. What other choice do I have? Everything I do now revolves around it, my appointments and planning. What will I be doing next week...next month? Make plans....its going to be tough. I don't know how I'm going to feel. I don't know if I'll be up to it. Up to what you ask? Everything, and nothing. I don't know if I'll be well enough to make the Obstetrics appointments, strange that I was worried that my military obligations would hold me from that.
If you were to ask me what cancer felt like I couldn’t tell you. I don’t feel anything. Which makes it that much harder when I have to surrender to the treatment that is going to destroy what I can’t feel. I've had diagnostic tests all last week and yesterday. "Staging" they call it. I can tell you what that feels like though. To determine where, how much and what they're gonna do. A procedure to them, a list of things to accomplish before going home, it’s their job. They go home and remove themselves from it as easily as if they were working any other job. It's a life to me, actually its 3. Me, my wife and the life of my unborn child may be affected. My life, the life I live doesn’t belong only to me. It encompasses those I love and those that love me I have to be strong for them. I have to remove stress from my life so that it doesn’t affect Sarah. Every appointment is another part of the checklist of treatment. I want to do them all at once. I want it over with. On an ever growing positive note its small and its localized. Call it what you want, its taking over my life....no matter how small it may be. I have pondered this for a week now. I heard that they found the cancer cells last Monday it was the 7th of may. It was then that I hoped the mistake was made. The Confirmation was 2 days later. I don't want to tell the story again of the hows and whens. I'm tired of telling it. I'm tired.
Chemotherapy starts on Thursday. Thursday afternoon at 12:10. I don't know much about it. I know the side effects. I know what what happens to other people. I just don't know what happens to me. What lies in store for me as the evil poison enters my blood to eradicate the cancer that has placed its foot inside the threshold of my body. I see it like the picture of the sharks. I am below and the sharks are the chemo....and its going to suck but I have to swim it to get to the surface. I've done my research, my recon of the battlefield before the conflict. I know what to expect. But I'm not ready for the war.
No comments:
Post a Comment